Gone

The sensibility get lost into the cry, the resentment desapear ,meaning, that all is gone,There are no feeling at all,the white comes to the mind and the emptyness get refiled and just like that ,makes you feel sad and you will wake up and again feel without hate for the person who made you cry and the peace it presence as a magnificent in your heart.

 Y de dar vida...paso a un suspiro,a una lágrima.

Al recuerdo,el dolor,la tristeza y el llanto.

El pensamiento de que seria real al humo que desaparece de golpe pero te ahoga poco a poco.

Y todo el mundo te repite que ya paso,pero no paran a pensar en el sentimiento.

Y que nunca debi sucumbir a los miedos de otros y que de ahi llega mi arrepentimiento, mi castigo, mi lamento; mi sufrimiento y mi culpabilidad de no saber lidiar con las palabras de otros.

Y por eso la gente se olvida de sí y de mí sentimiento.

2.5.21

Mi aliado, mi castigo

mi amor, mi dolor.

La gente del olvido

y que de mí también se olvidó.

Mi cansancio, mi castigo

la frustración que me quemó,

dejando un fuego en ceniza

donde fuego nunca ardió.

Una lagrima y varios llantos

a escondidas y en la cama lo apagó

y el amor que dolía

una llama imaginó

y el deseo que tenía

por dentro la mató.

2.5.21

 Quiero ser una montaña

donde esconderme y enmudecer

quiero sentir el viento

y volar con él.

Quiero ver  a los árboles 

y respirar.

Y ver un castillo de flores,

donde anidar.

Quiero vivir en calma 

y sin molestar

y el día que aprendí a callar,

volví a soñar.

Ubicarme en el silencio

y aprender a apaciguar

la energía constante que fluye.

Sin nunca llegar a amarrar.

Los puertos  permanecen ,

las olas vienen y van

incluso el mar en calma

en constante cambo está.

Cuando viene la tormenta 

el mar aprende a calmar.

buscando nuevo puerto,

ojalá sin chocar 

y sereno y constante movimiento avivará.

Todo lo que al fondo se fue

volverá a reaparecer

llegando a un valle

donde a las montañas

de nuevo volver.

Y salir del escondite

para volver a florecer

y crear el sueño

que una vez decidí perder.

Todays dream

I dreamt that  i was in a  rush but i take my baby and i smile him and he smile at me and i kiss him and touch and i can feel the skin.

My mum is taking us in the car to shopping or somewhere when i realized i need to change him and my mother helped me to find a place where i can do it.We just walk into a house  like if was ours and is a women in the shower who seems surprice but not afraid .She welcoming us because she knows us.I am changing him like if i have been doing it for ages and even the baby is too small to speak ,when i put him a jumper he says"itchy" i ask him is itchy? and he says yes with the head.

Then i woke up wishing i could carry on dreaming.

The woman in the house was the dressmaker of my mom. When i was little i used to go with her to the dressmaker s house to be messure and talk about the designe of the dress, Sometimes the dress was for me and i need to be messure too.

Everyday i have more regret feelings, this time my ex partner is far of the map so i just imagine me and the baby and i forget why i decided what i decided .So i tried to remember why i decided and calm myself but the pain still anyway.

I supposed to be feeeling a baby inside of me right now but i decided what i decided and is done , nobody can back on time.

For him or her

 You were going to be my “Bombón de chocolate y caramelo”, I imagined myself singing to you and dancing while you smiled and laughed while you looked at me. I imagined feeling you inside and watching you grow, because you know what? Since I knew that you were in me, I began to see you not only as a little person but as a little person that would grow up and that was going to be precious. I'm not going to lie to you, I got uncertainty, but not because of my feelings for you, never because of that, but your dad and I were not the perfect couple, many things failed, but he tried to change and I believed him and that's how we came to you.

I loved feeling that I could be your mom forever, I even thought about how you could be, if a bit of a mess like your dad or as emotional and organized as me, your mom, but I know you would be a good person, that I would accept you no matter what, but trying to guide you to known, not to hurt yourself or anyone. I imagined you holding your hand and going to see dad at work where the two of us met and seeing how you let me  to run towards him while he opens his arms to you just like if you came to see me with dad at work he would see you run towards me and you would see me with the biggest smile that I could ever have for anyone. I would not even think about all the women we would cross that your father could have had something with, I won’t care because i would have you.

I regret and will regret forever not knowing how you are or what you would become and seeing your smile or feeling my happiness thanks to you, I was more able to know that your dad did not think i would be good enough for you. I guess I was afraid of That thought could hurt all three of us.

I know I tried what I could to have you and talk to him, I tried to see different possibilities but I was frustrated and not getting an answer from him when I asked him how he wanted to be your dad,  I could not risk that life when you were here. He was afraid too, I suppose that the mistrust of which he accused me was in him too and despite trying to explain to him that I was not trying to separate him from you but that I would do anything to protect you and me if it was necessary. There was no good communication or understanding by neither of us and I'm sorry because I think you could been happy if we had been able to communicate better.

Sometimes I think that I felt that your dad gave up on me after being a fighter in the face of a complicated relationship and you came along , I think that the of me don t giving him security could also with him, but it's not worth blaming us because in the end I had to decide and you're gone.

I miss knowing that you are still inside me and that my belly stops growing, I miss knowing that I was creating a life. I miss knowing that you would be the best birthday present I could  have ever had. 

I know it's not worth to blame because you're not here, but it's hard for me to say goodbye, it's strange.

I think about whether I did everything possible and I think so, but at the same time I blame myself for not given more time, but I did not want to be more aware …,if it was going to be a no, forgive me.

I thought that I would not feel guilty because I know why I made the decision that I made and the circumstances in which we were, and that I think I did what I could to see if there was a security to have you and I did not know how to find it, but I regret it so much and that still "sorry". I want you to forgive me and I want you to forgive us both and I want to forgive him and forgive to myself.

I also want you to know that even of my insecurity in the relationship I loved your dad because otherwise I would never have allowed myself the risk of being able to have you and that he knew that, even if it was complicated, that risk existed and we both knew it because for a long time my desire of being a mother and the circumstances were discussed.

I never thought it would turn into this and for that, again, I'm sorry.

That, even if you are not here, perhaps you are the strength and the courage so that your dad and I do not hurt each other anymore. I want to think that you would have loved us very much. That for many you were not a little person yet, but for me you were and you would have been my everything.

I love you very much and I am going to love you very much all my life because I will not forget about you and because I do not want to forget about you, even if I have to move forward because you were going to give me the opportunity to know what fully happiness would be so and to meet the love of my life for the first time, you, my “Bombón de chocolate y caramel”.

Para él o ella

 Ibas a ser mi bombón de chocolate y caramelo, me imaginaba cantándote y bailando mientras sonreías y reías mientras me mirabas. Me imaginaba sintiéndote dentro y viéndote crecer, porque ¿sabes qué? Desde que supe que estabas en mí, empecé a verte no solo como una personita sino como una personita que crecería y que iba a ser precioso/a. No te voy a mentir me entró incertidumbre, pero no por mis sentimientos hacia ti, nunca por eso, pero tú papá y yo no éramos la pareja perfecta fallaban muchas cosas, pero el luchaba por cambiar y yo le creía y así llegamos hasta ti.

Me encantó sentir que podía ser tu mamá para siempre, pensaba incluso en como podías ser, si, un pelín desastre como tú papá o tan emocional y organizada como yo, tú mamá, pero se que serias una buena persona, que te aceptaría sin importar qué, pero intentando guiarte para saber no dañarte ni dañar a nadie. Te imaginaba cogiéndote de la mano   y yendo a ver a papá al trabajo donde los dos nos conocimos y ver cómo me sueltas para correr hacia él mientras te abre los brazos al igual que si me venias a ver con papá al trabajo te vería correr hacia mí y me verías con la sonrisa más grande que pudiese tener para nadie. Ni siquiera   pensaría en todas las mujeres que cruzaríamos con las que tu papa podría haber tenido algo, me daba igual porque te tendría a ti.

Lamento y lamentaré para siempre en no saber cómo eres ni en que te convertirías y ver tu sonrisa o sentir mi felicidad gracias a ti, me pudo más el saber que tú papá no pensó que sería lo suficiente buena para ti .Supongo que tenía miedo a que ese pensamiento pudiera hacernos daño a los tres.

Se que intenté lo que pude por tenerte y hablar con él, intentado ver distintas posibilidades pero me pudo la frustración y no obtener respuesta de él en cuanto preguntaba como quería ser tu papá, todo esto me llevo a que no podía arriesgarme a esa vida cuando estuvieras aquí. Él tenía miedo también, supongo que la desconfianza de la que me acusaba estaba en él también y a pesar de intentar explicarle que no intentaba apartarle de ti pero que si haría lo que fuese por protegernos a ti y a mi si era necesario le pudo, no hubo buena comunicación o entendimiento por ninguno de los dos y lo siento porque creo que podías haber sido feliz si hubiéramos sabido comunicarnos mejor.

A veces pienso que sentí que tú papá se rindió conmigo después de haberse mostrado luchador ante una relación complicado y llegaste tú y creo que el miedo a que yo tampoco le daba seguridad también le pudo a él, pero no vale culparnos porque al final tuve que decidir y ya no estas.

Echo de menos saber que sigues dentro de mí y que mi tripa deje de crecer, echo de menos saber que estaba creando una vida. Echo de menos el saber que serías el mejor regalo de cumpleaños que podía haber tenido nunca. Se que ya no basta echar culpas porque no estas, pero me cuesta decirte adiós, es extraño.

Pienso en si hice todo lo posible y creo que sí, pero a la vez me culpo por no haber dado mas tiempo, pero no quería ser mas consciente si iba a ser que no, perdóname.

Pensé que no me sentiría culpable porque sé porque tome la decisión que tomé y las circunstancias en las que estábamos, y que creo que hice lo que pude para ver si había una seguridad para tenerte y no la supe encontrar, pero me arrepiento tanto y que aun así “lo siento”. Quiero que me perdones y quiero que nos perdones a los dos y quiero perdonarme y perdonarle.

También quiero que sepas que ante mi inseguridad en la relación quise a tu papá porque de otra forma no me hubiera permitido nunca el riesgo de poder tenerte y que sabia que, aunque fuera complicado ese riesgo existía y ambos lo sabíamos porque durante mucho tiempo mi deseo de ser madre y las circunstancias fueron habladas. 

Nunca pensé que se tornaría en esto y por eso, de nuevo, lo siento.

Que, aunque no estés aquí, quizá seas la fuerza y el valor para que no nos hagamos mas daño tu papá y yo. Quiero pensar que nos hubieras querido mucho. Que para muchos aun no eras personita, pero para mí lo fuiste y hubieras sido mi todo.

Te quiero mucho y te voy a querer mucho toda mi vida porque no me voy a olvidar de ti  y porque no me quiero olvidarme de ti, aunque tenga que seguir hacia delante  porque tú me ibas a dar la oportunidad de saber lo que sería la felicidad plena y de conocer al amor de mi vida por primera vez , tú, mi bombón de chocolate y caramelo. 

Conscious

 

I talked about how I start to be more conscious of it and how if I am not eating or watching tv no matter what else I am doing sometimes I just cry. I transmit some “if” during the session , is in those moments when she used to stop me and tell me ”that’s what you do, you back to the past or go to the uncertain future with your ”ifs” but here and now you lost someone that you really want, was inside of you and is not anymore. What ever you do or think is not about the father is not about the people surround you is not your environment; now is just you, who need to deal and pass through those feelings   If you need to cry , cry, now your hormones body and mind are not in a normal stage” but how are you gone to say goodbye.

Telling me all of this was little brutal on my head but makes all sense as I troubled into think about it with my “if” avoiding   into think in ”now” and for me “now “ means a ”lost” or ”grief”. My “if” means if I could change something I really couldn’t come back.

And start now

The days pass by and I start to see more blood but my body stay still so is a kind of contradiction .In my head is like when is was real but is not anymore.

Now is when I think in all the women we were there. How they are managing? some of them were too young others have the support of their partners and others had already a big family but me…

I try to remember why I decided to do it and tell to my self I worth a healthy good love. I don’t permit to tell me what if had been my only chance in life , in 35 years never happened to me and once happened the person next to me show me the real him. The real that I felt from the beginning but I decided bealive him more than to myself.Never was a fairy tail but i decided worth the try i was convincing to myself the time spend in to court me i cover the negative thinking any man do this anymore but at taht time i didnt even know what he wants.

I walk through and what did i get?

There is no bad people just bad men and women.

Why I took the decision I never want to take.

 It is funny. I just realized how is life, even when I see the same scenario every days.

Here I am, sitting in the train, on my way home, there is a young girl with half of the face cover by the face mask we all must wear now days for this pandemic of Covid 19, but I can guess she is chewing a chewing gum , she is taking the opportunity of the safe distance to step her feet on top of her front seat.She looks like if the world was hers , no worries at least on this way she is taking to arrive to her destination. Two rows before is a woman sitting very calm looking in between to her phone and the window.

I am sitting in the couple of seats parallel  to the row where these ladies are sitting on.

Is not too many people in the car we are sitting and seems that is a normal day without anything special, then I realized if they maybe are suffering of problems, worries, hard situations, or is like we seems to see people who walks by, that is just passing by without thinking too much, just living the best they can.

I am still not very conscious of what I have just pass through, I though my life will end today but suddenly I felt kind of ok just thinking more in what these women sitting in the same train as me could be thinking about.