Around september 2019...IT WASNT NICE

 It was around septemeber 2019i was  about to come back to Bristol from my summer holidays at home, i remember to think about what to wear as the weather will be very different from when i take off and land.

I remember to think that will be probably my last opportunity to wear a dress buying in Zara, beige with half long wide sleeves that makes hard to wear a cardigan,plus i want to wear something nice as my partner at the time will go to pick me from the airport, even if i knew that he would not see me atractive in that dress just maybe cute,wich at that time i though was enought... after all.

The plane landed , was late night and i was happy to see him  and have someone to take me home.

He was driving and not far from the airport he took  left, i thought he knew a new way home but it was a parking in the middle of nowhere, i remember was just another car parked and a fast food trak , at that time close.In front of the parking space it was a field ,in my mind just run the thoughful detail of maybe lay on the grass to look at the starts, what a naive.

He went out of the car and i did too, i think i went to try to hug him even if he didnt like much that but he just turned me againts the car pull my pants down and do his thing as i wasnt wet he make it easier for himself, i rememebr tried to turn to him  but he didnt let me then i decided to follow thim i remember to think that he liked me to stay still without eye contact so i tried a position trying to bend on me to hold my own heels but i couldnt stay still as he bang against me and he put me against the car again i remember to put my arm against him and me as i could because it hurts ,as i was against him ,he grabbed my arm against my back after few seconds he releasid me and i remember to try to hold the car the better i could to not move and hopefully he will finsih. I remember to saw a figure long distance from us but i felt akward if was someone stearing and i said"i think someone is looking" hoping he maybe stop but he didnt , he finally finished and he seem to have paper ready to give me to clean myself and himself(i though, that was kind of ready, so or it wasnt the first timeor he just knew what he will going to do).

I think he extend his arm to grab the paper to through it a way somewhere then he back to sit in the car and i did too on the way back i think he asked me if i was ok as i was silence i said- yes and remain silence again.When we get to my house he didnt walk  me upstairs he drop me and left i felt sad and akward with myself but i remember to think at that time that at least he touch me as we were having so many issues.

I remember to wanted to wear that day the next day but i felt kind of dirty and i dont know if i ended wearing, washing or handwash, but i remember the feeling of dirt.

Few days later i talked to him and explained that night it wasnt nice and trying to excuse him understanding that maybe in his past he had night stand where he could do that to them because they felt in the way to do so but i didnt because in a year we didnt even have normal intimay.He didnt say a word, not even sorry, just silence.

IT WASNT NICE,that is what i said at that time,a simple IT WASNT NICE.

This is what i remember of that night YOU allways say to me that we remeeber things very different.Can YOU tell me what do you remember of that day?i guess YOU will say that i didnt stop or say anything, and that is right, YOU were my partnet , with the one i was having so many problems and one of them regardless of intimacy ,i was in the middle of nowhere at almost midnight,but i put my arm against you and me because you were hurting me.Took me a while to kind of identify if it was what it was.When i started to dat,e i rermember to feel and thing that i own them something just for wnat to meet me and even if i didnt want i felt i couldnt stop what i follow when they started but this time YOU were a long time partner who made me bealive i was the one creating issues where there werent , but the reallity is that YOU were creating everything on porpouse all those issues were tehre and YOU were aware of what you were doing to me all along.